Hard Decisions and Changes in Perspectives

This morning it is cool, but not cold for the last day in February.  It is actually a leap year and today is February 28th... Leap Day! 

The sun is up and shining, the critters are all awake and going about the day.  The ducks and geese are swimming on the pond and occasionally a new group of geese arrive with everyone announcing their arrival.  The roosters are crowing and chatting back and forth with the the neighbor's roosters.  Occasionally, you can hear our turkey girls yelping or "Timmy" gobbling.  There are Eastern Phoebes flying back and forth to a nest on the light on the porch. They are preparing the nest for this years season. The farm is awake and our day has started.

Feeding time!

"Cedar"  Wood Duck - Rehabbed at Izzie's Pond and released at The Old Five Notch Farm

"Angel" and "Cedar"  Both rehabbed at Izzie's Pond and released at The Old Five Notch Farm last summer

I am "up" and have seen my farmer man off to his "real" job. You know, the one that allows us to have our little Hobby Farm!  I am so grateful for my farmer man and his willingness to work so hard all week at his "real" job and then comes home and spends evenings and weekends working here on the farm.  Since I have been down so much has fallen on him and I am so grateful for his broad shoulders that are carrying everything.

I told him the other day, "We need to have a discussion and make some decisions."  He looked a little worried and sat down so we could talk.  We talked about the fact that I am down and will be for at least another ten weeks.  Four weeks until surgery and six weeks or so until I am able to drive and function a little.  It will take three to six months for me to really heal and twelve to eighteen months for the bone grafts to totally heal.  Needless to say, I am going to do EVERYTHING  am told to do to make sure this surgery works. 

Anyhow, we had some decisions to make as far as what we were going to tackle this Spring.  I had started, with the help of "our" sweet Jessica, some pepper and tomato seeds in the greenhouse and had planned out the whole Spring/Summer garden on www.zukeeni.com.  I really like the free site and the ability to lay out all the gardens, plants and get email reminders of what needs to be done that week.  Well, after a couple of bad back days and not getting out to the greenhouse to check on the seedlings, I went out to find that some had died due to not being watered.  It is heartbreaking to see new sprouts withered and soil dried out, but honestly, with my back being so bad I didn't even think about them or I would have had my farmer man water them.

We discussed the surgery time frame and decided that it would be best not to put in a Spring/Summer garden this year.  This is a hard decision for both of us.  I LOVE to garden!  Seeing the vegetables growing and harvesting them and taking them directly to our kitchen to prepare a meal just makes me happy. It's just not possible this year as it's just too much that would all fall on my farmer man.  My sweet farmer man was worried about my mental state of not being able to do the gardens.  I had already come to terms that there is only so much I can do and so much I can ask or expect my farmer man to do.  It would be different if he didn't work off the farm, but he does so we can have the farm. So we are not doing a Spring/Summer garden and that's ok.  It is just one season.

As a compromise, I am going to order the medicinal herb seeds that I have been wanting and after the surgery, when I am able, I am going to start some seeds.  We discussed the herb garden and decided that we could handle that much!  I will put some plants in the herb garden and some in pots on the back porch.  I will be able to water and look after these with the help of my farmer man.  He will have to plant as I will not be able to bend for six weeks after surgery, but I can stand and water.  This makes my heart happy and satisfies my need to garden.

The next subject we discussed was hatching.  We usually start hatching guinea keets and Golden Laced Wyandottes the first of April.  That means we set Guinea eggs just as soon as they start laying in mid to end of March and we set chicken eggs first of March.  I wasn't sure we could handle incubating, hatching, brooding and selling these babies, but my farmer man says we can do it!  He enjoys the whole process and most of the time people come on the weekends to pick up chicks and keets so he would be here to handle the sale.  This also makes my heart happy!  I LOVE the hatching season and really hated the idea of not hatching this year.  We meet some of the nicely farm folks through this season and I so enjoy learning about their farms and sharing ideas.  We will be starting a bit late this year, due to the surgery and not wanting our farm sitter to worry about hatching babies or brooding babies, BUT we are still hatching.

The start of our hatching season!  A Golden Laced Wyandotte egg

 Even though he have had to make some hard decisions it gave us time to talk about what we both wanted to do and what we both though we could handle given the circumstances.  It was a good thing.

Through all of this I have tried to keep a good attitude, but some days are harder than others and to be honest, I have some major meltdowns....It wasn't pretty, but it was where I was.  I was focusing too much on what I couldn't do and how things used to be instead of being grateful for what I COULD do.  The biggest thing I have learned is I am still valuable even though I can't physically do much right now.  I have tried to change my perspective and focus on the things I still CAN do verses the things I CAN'T do and this has helped me mental status greatly.  I am blessed that we have some answers and now a plan to "fix" my back so that has really helped....there is an end in sight! Do I still have days that I get down and have issues....sure I do, but I try to refocus and return back to the positive things I CAN do.

I CAN still get up with my farmer man and make his lunch and breakfast and see him off to work

I CAN still take care of the inside animals feeding and medicating....although I won't be able to do that after the surgery due to the bending, I CAN do it for now.

I CAN still take care of these sweet, orphaned baby squirrels.  "The Bonanza Bunch".  I am able to care for them, feed them and even get up at 3 am for the early morning feedings.

"Ms. Cartwright" and "Hoss" <3

 I CAN do the laundry, no lifting the baskets or hampers, but I can wash, dry and put away the clothes.

On good days, I CAN walk down to the barn and pond and check on the flock and just enjoy God's creation.

I CAN make forty, crocheted granny squares for a charity that is making blankets for our veterans home.

Just the start of the squares!

On good days, I CAN cook supper, and on bad days we have been blessed with meals from friends and family or my farmer makes us supper.  I may have to sit on the couch instead of the dinning room chairs, but we still CAN have a meal together.

I CAN chat with friends and family and keep up with their lives and be in prayer for their needs and concerns. 

I CAN work on my Bible Study and use this down time to dig deeper into God's Word.

I CAN work on small projects I have been wanting to get to for our Etsy store. Visit The Old Five Notch Farm Etsy Shop

Available at our Etsy store!

I CAN be here for my farmer man when he comes home and needs to just sit and unwind.  Whether it is just knowing I am here for him, snuggling up and discussing our days or allowing him time to just unwind with a video game or a nap before supper.

 I CAN still make a difference! I AM still valuable!  I STILL have a purpose!

Maybe things aren't like they were and I can't do somethings, but I am determined to do what I can where I am now.

It has made me realize that MANY people are dealing with illness or injury and they make look ok on the outside, but inside they may in serious pain.....Physical pain or even emotional pain.  Chronic pain can really take a toll on your mental self.  This had made me much for aware of just how many people deal with this on a daily basis and I have real compassion for them going through it myself now.

It also reminds me that we all go through "seasons" in our lives.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 it says:

Sometimes we don't know why we are going through things, but sometimes it is not ours to know why.  Our job is to figure out WHAT we are to learn not WHY things are the way they are.  It is during these difficult times we learn the most about ourselves. We can grow and through our experience and what we learn we can share with others.

So as I go through this "season" I am really striving to learn from it.  I have learned more patience, more appreciation for the help of others, more empathy for those with chronic pain, I have learned that I still have value and purpose even if I can't do what I used to do and that God values me no matter what, I am learning to trust...trust God has a plan, trust God has my in His hands as we go forward with surgery, trust that God has my sweet farmer man in His hands, I have learned the importance of friends and family, I have learned to be more humble and accept help, and  I am reminded daily how blessed I really am.

I hope that whatever "season" you are in that you will take the time to learn from the "season" and use your new knowledge to help someone else.  There is no better help than having someone else say, "I have been where you are" and sharing your experience and encouraging that person that it IS just a "season", there is a purpose for it all and you WILL come through the "season" ok.  It is just up to you if you come through the "season" the same person or if you come through the "season" a better, more fulfilled, more enlightened person....the choice is yours.  You can be better or you can be bitter... I choose to be better.

A Back Update...WARNING! Another Rather Long One ;-)

My herniated L5-S1 disc as of December 2015

 Well....this post finds me still stuck lying on the couch most of the day, just like the last three months.  Since my last update on December 29th we went to see a neurosurgeon who, quite frankly, took two minutes to say he had reviewed my MRI's, did a couple strength tests, and told me "no insurance company would pay for a procedure and I would have to see about pain management" and sent me for xrays to make sure there wasn't any instability in my spine telling me he would call if there were any issues and walked out leaving me heart broken, feeling hopeless and in tears.

After the xrays we went to check out and found that the soonest pain management appointment was February 10th.... 6 weeks from that day. SIX WEEKS with having to endure endless, debilitating pain.  Needless to say, I was devastated!  We drove home and I contacted Jeremy, our PA at Dr. Webb, my chiropractors office.  He saw us the next day and determined I could not stay in this kind of pain and he prescribed Tramadol for the pain, in hopes it would help until he could see about getting me into a different pain management doctor.  I went home with renewed hopes that I could soon get some relief.

Tramadol ....that was interesting!   I took the first pill and felt really off.  I tried to help my farmer man with one of our roos who had an injured foot.  I was sitting on a stool helping hold "Rudy" when Scott looked at me an asked, "Are you ok?"  I was not and I told him I didn't feel right.  He took
"Rudy" out to his pen on the porch and came back to me. I told him just put me on the floor because I felt myself blacking out.  He CARRIED me to the couch were I promptly passed out. I remember feeling floppy when he put me on the couch and then nothing.  Apparently, I looked like a ghost.  He said I was completely pale and even my lips were white. I came back around and we figured my blood pressure had dropped, it runs low to begin with.

Well poop!  That pain med wasn't going to work.  I called my sister in love, Ginger, she is a Pharmacist, to ask if we could half or quarter the Tramadol. We got the go ahead and tried a quarter. Well, I didn't pass out, but came close.  Tramadol is a no go for me. Back to Ibuprofen and Naproxen and just rest.

Jeremy came through for us!  We had an appointment schedule for January 11th for Dr. Epter at Augusta Pain Center.  I was thrilled!

I muttled through until the appointment and we really liked Dr. Epter's PA Troy, but Dr. Epter seemed to get his feathers ruffled when I asked some questions and really got ruffled when I said my brother in law, a nurse anesthetist, had looked at the MRI as well and had an opinion.  Oh well, as long as he does a good job I'll be happy!

We decided that some steroid epidural injections might be the way to manage the pain since no one would address the actual injury.  I was disheartened a bit, since they said that they have to treat the radiculopathy aka leg pain first because that was what the insurance dictated.  Really?  Why not treat the bad disc in the back that is CAUSING the leg pain?  Once again insurance companies are dictating our care! We make the appointment for the first injections - a transforminal epidural steroid injections in two weeks.

I will admit...I was quit freaked out over the idea of needles being injected into my back....all with NO anesthetic and unfortunately, I cannot take the "take the edge off" Valium type meds so it was all me.

The day of the first procedure I prayed, knowing many others were praying for me, applied lavender to my sternum (supposed to be an anti anxiety pressure point and lavender is very relaxing) and remembered to just breathe. The procedure went very well!  It hurt a little on one side and a little more on the left, but it wasn't unbearable! Yea! AND the best part was my pain was greatly reduced for 36 hours after the procedure!  I was thrilled!  I understood that it was just a diagnostic procedure and that the injection and relief was only temporary. I was ready for the next injections in two weeks and more relief- selective root nerve blocks on both sides.

The two weeks finally passed and I was much less nervous about the procedure to be done as we went for the second set diagnostic injections. Well....I was mistaken.  These injections REALLY hurt!  I don't know if some other factors played in like...... the fact there were two machine representatives in the procedure room who were there discussing issues with the RF Ablasion machine which made it hard for me to relax and focus prior to the procedure, or the fact that they STAYED during my procedure and discussed the procedure as I was going through it (I was not asked if it was ok if they stay either) or the fact that I felt Dr. Epter rushed the procedure as I was NOT numb on either side when he started or finished, but it was really bad.  When I sat up to get off the table I was shaking uncontrollably and apparently I looked bad because one of the nurses asked me if I can was ok.  I managed to get off the table and as I was walked to the recovery area the head nurse said "What in the world did they do to you?  You didn't look like that when they took you from me?"  She was awesome and quickly had the other nurse hook me up to the blood pressure/pulse oxygen machines and send the other nurse to get me some apple juice.  Scott was allowed in about ten minutes and his first reaction was are you ok?  You don't look ok? So apparently I really did look bad! After a period of time the shaking slowed and I was allowed to leave. I felt really bad!

We left the center to go get a bit of dinner and I had pain reduction for about and hour. I was sure hoping for much more!  I felt sick on the way home and fell asleep during the car ride.  When we got home I went straight to bed and slept for two hours.  When I got up I still had noodle legs from the procedure and needed help walking.  I was up for awhile and then started shaking again.  Some hot tea and raisin toast with sunbutter and things eased up.

The next few days were really tough!  The injection sites really hurt, so much more than the first time, and my back and legs were worse than ever.  I managed to deal with it for 5 days until it was just too much. Scott ended up coming home early from work due to the fact I was totally down and in terrible pain. We called the pain center and had to leave a message and called Jeremy at Action Medical too.  Jeremy called back first and Scott talked with him about how things were going.  He was very concerned and said he was going to find us another surgeon to see as he felt my quality of life was so poor that I really needed someone to take care of the disc issues and get me back up.  The pain center called later in the day and we had an appointment the next morning to see about what we could do.

We met with Troy at the pain management center and he said that this kind of pain increase was normal.....REALLY?? and that the little bit of pain relief I had gotten was also a good sign that they were in the right area.  He went on to say that if I went ahead with the ablation at the L5-S1 area and it didn't fix all of the pain then they would start moving up!  WHAT??  He said we have choices whether to continue or not....or what?  Just be in pain??  I was so upset and disheartened. I told him if we did move forward they were going to have to find something I could take before the next procedure. He did give us a prescription for Toradol for pain and Gabapentin for nerve pain.  We left there feeling lost and unsure what to do next. Luckily for us, Jeremy had come through.....we had an appointment at a surgeons THE NEXT DAY!

You have to understand that normally it is 3 to 4 WEEKS to get in to see this surgeon!  Jeremy knows him personally and called him and to explain my case and the extent that we had already gone through with not really any results and ask that I be seen immediately.  Jeremy rocks in my eyes!

We met with Dr. Justin Bundy and his PA, at Augusta Orthopedics and Sports Medicine Specialists last week.  We have answers and we have a plan to FIX the problem!!!  They really listened to us and even had xrays taken AND read immediately.  We found out that my L5-S1 vertebrae is now 6mm...it should be 14 mm!  THIS explains the back pain as well as the radiating leg pain!

Dr. Bundy said we have two choices...option 1) a microdisctecomy where they only remove the part of the disc that is protruding. A quick, easy day surgery and minimal recovery, but he said I would have recurrences and flair ups and would end up with additional surgeries or option 2) an Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion or ALIF....fusion, that scared me! He explained that they would go in from the front and remove the bad disc, insert a cage and transplant bone in the cage, and secure the two vertebrae with a plate and screws.It would require and overnight stay in the hospital and the recovery is 3 to 6 months and the bone would totally fuse in 12 to 18 months.  He said it is a once and done and he wouldn't expect to see me again for 20 plus years since the rest of my vertebrae look wonderful.

WOW!  A lot to digest, but we decided to go for the ALIF.  I will admit, I am THRILLED with the idea of one surgery and getting back up and going with minimal changes in my mobility.  I am not thrilled about the idea of a more invasive surgery, an overnight stay in the hospital and 3 to 6 month of recovery, but it is what we need to do to get me off this couch so we are going to do it! My farmer man is more concerned about the general anesthesia risk...I have major issues with anesthesia and have a very hard time waking up.  I tend to crash.  I too am concerned about this, but I think if we talk with the anesthesiologist prior to the procedure and explain my issues I will be ok.

So for now we have an appointment with the vascular surgeon mid March and are waiting on the actual surgery date which, from the looks of it will be 4 weeks or so out, but definitely after the vascular surgeon appointment.

In the meantime, I will be doing all I can to be as healthy as possible for the surgery .....eating well and doing what exercises I can while horizontal to keep my muscles in the best shape I can. I had to stop taking the Toradol because you can only take it for 5 days because of the damage it can do to your kidneys so I am back on Naproxen for pain and Gabepentin for the nerve pain and hoping they work well enough to get me through. Today is the first day off the Toradol and I have to say I don't miss the stoned feeling and so far the pain is tolerable.

Just an update for those who want to keep up with me!  The next post will actually be about some happenings here on the farm....it goes on with or without me!