Stress + Feeling Overwhelmed + That One More Thing = The
Perfect Storm
Definitions:
Stress
– “A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or
very
demanding circumstance.”
Overwhelmed
– “bury or drown beneath a huge mass, defeat completely, give too much of a
thing to (someone); inundate.”
That One More
Thing aka Fuel – “A material from which atomic energy can be liberated especially in a reactor.”
A Perfect Storm –“
An unusual combination of events or things that produce an unusually bad or
powerful result.”
It wasn’t perfect, because
Lord knows, I am not perfect, but it was the definition of my Perfect Storm.
I am not
proud of it. I am ashamed, disappointed, saddened and very remorseful for my
actions. It was not how I act normally. Not a loving response, not a patient
response, not a Godly response, but total, atomic explosion with potential, catastrophic,
devastating results.
I am sharing
this to hopefully help others who are experiencing stress, anxiety, feeling
overwhelmed or who also have had their share of Perfect Storms in hopes that
somehow something good comes out of my experience. I believe there are a lot of
us out there feeling this way and maybe if just one other person is helped by
my sharing it is why I felt compelled to write this morning.
Stress, we
all have it if we are still breathing and still on this earth. It is part of
this crazy, wonderful life. How we deal
with it will make a difference how we live our lives. I haven’t been doing really well in the area
lately.
We have a
farm. Just a small farm in the scale of mega farming these days, but still a
farm. We still have the same concerns and stresses as a larger farm. We have
animals to care for, land to take care of, finances to support the farm, expenses
to run the farm and hopes that, somehow, we can maybe make this little farm
something that will make some income or at least pay for itself. At this point,
are a hobby farm. Is it why we started a farm? No, we started the farm because
we both love animals, both love being outside, both love designing and working
together.
We work off
the farm. My farmer man works over 40 hours a week as Systems Engineer/IT
Manager/Logistics Manager for a local company and he is the Fire Chief for our
local volunteer fire department. Both of his jobs are high stress, putting out
fires, figuratively as well as literally, and dealing with people daily, jobs. I
have the Etsy store and am the Secretary/Treasurer for our local fire
department. Both of my jobs are flexible and that makes it possible for me to
work off the farm as well as take care of the farm.
We work on
the farm. My farmer man aka “Manuel” is the manual labor….his joke not mine. He
does all the really heavy stuff. The building designing and building, the
fencing, you know, the infrastructure stuff of the farm. He helps with the
monthly herd checks with the animals and any other time I need assistance. For
the most part, I am the Farm Operations Manager. Big title, huh? It just means
I take care of the day to day care of the farm and the farm animals. I have no
employees to manage… maybe one day! I
just try to manage my time so I can take care of the animals, land/pasture, our
garden and farm house. I make and sell items from our farm to help defray
expenses.
Sounds
perfect, huh? Two people who love each
other, working together toward a common goal, spending time together building a
beautiful farm and beautiful life together. What could ever go wrong?
First, we
are not perfect people. We are two imperfect people. Two selfish human beings
who sometimes forget to put the other person first. We forget that we both have
stress outside the farm. We both have ideas of how things should be done. We
both have our own timelines of when and where we should do things. We both have
our baggage from our past….past hurts and hang ups. We both have expectations.
This week, I
let the stress of our crazy, wonderful life overwhelm me. The “One More Thing”
was a comment made by my farmer man. It was not rude, it was not blaming, it
was not anything, except a statement about something we needed to change about
the daily farm routine. Let me explain….
My farmer
man was helping me put the poultry up into their secure pens so we could leave
to attend a fire department function. Something that is usually fairly easy for
me to do by myself, but with all the rain lately and the flock not getting free
range time daily, they are reluctant to go up before dark. I can’t blame them!
They just want to roam around, eat bugs and lounge in the sun, but this day I
needed them to go up so they would be safe and secure since we would not be
back until after dark.
I was
stressed. Stressed about the prepping for the function, stressed about getting
it all done on time, stressed about getting all the farm chores done before we
went so we wouldn’t have to come home at dark thirty and do chores, stressed
about getting myself ready and presentable, stressed about many other things
too….too stressed.
Then he made
the comment, ok, I agree. Not a problem. In the meantime, five guineas decide
they are not going up. Stupid birds. They can be so smart, so great at letting
you know if there is an intruder or threat and then be so stupid that they fly
into the backyard and spend two hours running up and down the fence, frantic
because they cannot get back to their flock. Anyhow, five guineas, two of us
and a time crunch….not a good thing. We continued working together, trying to
get these frustrating birds herded into their pen….and he mentions the issue
again….and I say, very rudely and sarcastically, "Yes, Dear". Not a proud moment.
No excuse to speak to the man I love that way. He responded as I would have had
he spoken to me that way.
It was the
spark that ignited My Perfect Storm. I lost my temper. I lost my composure. I
lost my grace and loving way I speak to the man I love. I lost me.
The hateful,
hurtful words that came out of my mouth, directed to the most important man on
this earth to me, I cannot repeat. Those types of words are not me. Not my
heart, not my beliefs, not who I am. It hurts me so much that I said such
hateful, hurtful words and I cannot take them back.
He did
nothing wrong. He was just stating a fact. I allowed that to be an excuse to
unload, explode, all the stress, hurt, anger and frustration I was feeling. It
wasn’t his fault. It was mine. My fault for allowing the stress to build up, my
fault for not asking for help, my fault for not accepting help when he offered
it, my fault for not carefully and lovingly communicating my needs to him.
It was all
my fault and I felt terrible. Terrible for the nasty, cutting, hurtful words I
hurled at my husband as he stood there completely shocked, terrible that those
kind of words would ever come out of my mouth, terrible that he would ever
witness that kind of hate, meanness, and frustration from me, and terrible
that, as a child of The One True King, I had allowed my issues become bigger
than my God.
At that
moment and every moment since then I have been sorry. Sorry I let, the stress
of this crazy, wonderful life turn me away from my faith, my God and my core of
who I am in Christ. The very things I usually turn to when I am stressed and
feeling overwhelmed. I am sorry I ever spoke those words to the man who loves
me more than anything in this world. I am so sorry.
I have asked
for forgiveness from my heavenly Father. I have been a brat of a kid. I threw a
temper tantrum because I thought my way was better. I thought I was in control.
I thought I could handle it all. I thought I had to do it all. Guess what? I do
not know what is best, I do not have it all under control and I cannot handle
it all…..none of us can….and we aren’t supposed to.
And you know
what else, Our Heavenly Father forgives if we ask…and I know this in my heart,
but my heart still hurts that I acted that way. I am so ashamed. I was not acting like the
child of The One True King. I do not deserve His forgiveness, but still He
forgives.
It hurts,
because when I asked my farmer man to forgive me, he said, “It is ok” and
hugged me. He said we will get through this. WE.
It is not
ok. It is not ok how I acted, it is not ok that I said such hateful words, it
is not ok that you are willing to hug this terrible person who was so hateful
to you just a short time before. It is not ok. I don’t deserve his forgiveness,
but he freely gives it anyway.
I don’t EVER
want the stress of this life to be an excuse for me to EVER act that way again….EVER.
I don’t know
what stress you are under or what your circumstances are, but I felt lead to
share this today. We are not supposed to
do this life alone. God wants us to come to Him with our stress and concerns
BEFORE it becomes a huge issue. He wants us to talk with him daily about
everything. The good, the bad and especially the ugly. He wants us to trust
that He is in control and He has our best interest at heart.
I have not
been talking (praying) with My Father on a regular basis. I have not been refueling
my soul with worship (attending church or reading His word). I have not been
reminding my heart of all I have to be grateful for (listing my blessings). I have
not been speaking in love (sharing His love). I have not been doing what I know
is right, what I know I need and it shows. That all stops today.
I know what,
who, I need. The Father who knows our needs before we do. The Father who loves
us more than anyone on this earth. I need to talk with Him daily. I need to
refill my soul. I need to be thankful daily for the, oh so, many blessings I
have been given. I need to share that love.
Today is a
new day and the Lord gives us new mercies every day…even when we are the most
unloving, hateful, ungrateful kid. Our Father still loves us and still wants us
to come to Him. How awesome is that?
I am so
blessed with a loving, patient husband. Sometimes we take those who love us
most for granted…I think I have been. Not anymore. I realized just how blessed
I am this week. I have a husband who still loves me…. hateful, sinful, hurtful,
impatient, premenopausal, and emotional messy me. A husband who is willing to
forgive, without hesitation, and is willing to “Do whatever we need to……We are
in this together.” Besides God, my husband is the most important man in my life…..and
I intend to make sure he knows that every day.
I pray that
if you are struggling with any part of your own “Perfect Storm” that somehow my
sharing this messy, ugly part of my life will encourage you. You are NOT alone.
We all struggle with stress, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. We have a Heavenly
Father who wants to help us. Who wants us to know that we aren’t supposed to do
this life alone. Reach out to Him. Reach out to a friend you can talk with.
Reach out to a counselor, therapist or pastor and talk with them. There is help
for each of us, but we have to be willing to take that, sometimes scary, step
to get the help we need.
P.S. I asked my farmer man to read this before I posted. It is personal, honest and ugly, but it is me. This is his beautiful response I found waiting on the computer when I returned from church.....
"Nicely
written….I love you sexy, no matter what
<3"
And THIS is why I feel so bad for my terrible attitude and actions. This is him, his heart, and how he loves and supports me. He's definitely a keeper. <3
