The Perfect Storm

Stress + Feeling Overwhelmed + That One More Thing = The Perfect Storm

Definitions:     

Stress – “A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or

               very demanding circumstance.”

                         

Overwhelmed – “bury or drown beneath a huge mass, defeat completely, give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.”

                        

 That One More Thing aka Fuel – “A material from which atomic energy can be liberated especially in a reactor.”

                         

 A Perfect Storm –“ An unusual combination of events or things that produce an unusually bad or powerful result.”

It wasn’t perfect, because Lord knows, I am not perfect, but it was the definition of my Perfect Storm.

I am not proud of it. I am ashamed, disappointed, saddened and very remorseful for my actions. It was not how I act normally. Not a loving response, not a patient response, not a Godly response, but total, atomic explosion with potential, catastrophic, devastating results.

I am sharing this to hopefully help others who are experiencing stress, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed or who also have had their share of Perfect Storms in hopes that somehow something good comes out of my experience. I believe there are a lot of us out there feeling this way and maybe if just one other person is helped by my sharing it is why I felt compelled to write this morning.

Stress, we all have it if we are still breathing and still on this earth. It is part of this crazy, wonderful life.  How we deal with it will make a difference how we live our lives.  I haven’t been doing really well in the area lately.

We have a farm. Just a small farm in the scale of mega farming these days, but still a farm. We still have the same concerns and stresses as a larger farm. We have animals to care for, land to take care of, finances to support the farm, expenses to run the farm and hopes that, somehow, we can maybe make this little farm something that will make some income or at least pay for itself. At this point, are a hobby farm. Is it why we started a farm? No, we started the farm because we both love animals, both love being outside, both love designing and working together.

We work off the farm. My farmer man works over 40 hours a week as Systems Engineer/IT Manager/Logistics Manager for a local company and he is the Fire Chief for our local volunteer fire department. Both of his jobs are high stress, putting out fires, figuratively as well as literally, and dealing with people daily, jobs. I have the Etsy store and am the Secretary/Treasurer for our local fire department. Both of my jobs are flexible and that makes it possible for me to work off the farm as well as take care of the farm.

We work on the farm. My farmer man aka “Manuel” is the manual labor….his joke not mine. He does all the really heavy stuff. The building designing and building, the fencing, you know, the infrastructure stuff of the farm. He helps with the monthly herd checks with the animals and any other time I need assistance. For the most part, I am the Farm Operations Manager. Big title, huh? It just means I take care of the day to day care of the farm and the farm animals. I have no employees to manage… maybe one day!  I just try to manage my time so I can take care of the animals, land/pasture, our garden and farm house. I make and sell items from our farm to help defray expenses.

Sounds perfect, huh?  Two people who love each other, working together toward a common goal, spending time together building a beautiful farm and beautiful life together. What could ever go wrong?

First, we are not perfect people. We are two imperfect people. Two selfish human beings who sometimes forget to put the other person first. We forget that we both have stress outside the farm. We both have ideas of how things should be done. We both have our own timelines of when and where we should do things. We both have our baggage from our past….past hurts and hang ups. We both have expectations.

This week, I let the stress of our crazy, wonderful life overwhelm me. The “One More Thing” was a comment made by my farmer man. It was not rude, it was not blaming, it was not anything, except a statement about something we needed to change about the daily farm routine. Let me explain….

My farmer man was helping me put the poultry up into their secure pens so we could leave to attend a fire department function. Something that is usually fairly easy for me to do by myself, but with all the rain lately and the flock not getting free range time daily, they are reluctant to go up before dark. I can’t blame them! They just want to roam around, eat bugs and lounge in the sun, but this day I needed them to go up so they would be safe and secure since we would not be back until after dark.

I was stressed. Stressed about the prepping for the function, stressed about getting it all done on time, stressed about getting all the farm chores done before we went so we wouldn’t have to come home at dark thirty and do chores, stressed about getting myself ready and presentable, stressed about many other things too….too stressed.

Then he made the comment, ok, I agree. Not a problem. In the meantime, five guineas decide they are not going up. Stupid birds. They can be so smart, so great at letting you know if there is an intruder or threat and then be so stupid that they fly into the backyard and spend two hours running up and down the fence, frantic because they cannot get back to their flock. Anyhow, five guineas, two of us and a time crunch….not a good thing. We continued working together, trying to get these frustrating birds herded into their pen….and he mentions the issue again….and I say, very rudely and sarcastically, "Yes, Dear". Not a proud moment. No excuse to speak to the man I love that way. He responded as I would have had he spoken to me that way.

It was the spark that ignited My Perfect Storm. I lost my temper. I lost my composure. I lost my grace and loving way I speak to the man I love. I lost me.

The hateful, hurtful words that came out of my mouth, directed to the most important man on this earth to me, I cannot repeat. Those types of words are not me. Not my heart, not my beliefs, not who I am. It hurts me so much that I said such hateful, hurtful words and I cannot take them back.

He did nothing wrong. He was just stating a fact. I allowed that to be an excuse to unload, explode, all the stress, hurt, anger and frustration I was feeling. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. My fault for allowing the stress to build up, my fault for not asking for help, my fault for not accepting help when he offered it, my fault for not carefully and lovingly communicating my needs to him.

It was all my fault and I felt terrible. Terrible for the nasty, cutting, hurtful words I hurled at my husband as he stood there completely shocked, terrible that those kind of words would ever come out of my mouth, terrible that he would ever witness that kind of hate, meanness, and frustration from me, and terrible that, as a child of The One True King, I had allowed my issues become bigger than my God.

At that moment and every moment since then I have been sorry. Sorry I let, the stress of this crazy, wonderful life turn me away from my faith, my God and my core of who I am in Christ. The very things I usually turn to when I am stressed and feeling overwhelmed. I am sorry I ever spoke those words to the man who loves me more than anything in this world. I am so sorry.

I have asked for forgiveness from my heavenly Father. I have been a brat of a kid. I threw a temper tantrum because I thought my way was better. I thought I was in control. I thought I could handle it all.   I thought I had to do it all. Guess what? I do not know what is best, I do not have it all under control and I cannot handle it all…..none of us can….and we aren’t supposed to.

And you know what else, Our Heavenly Father forgives if we ask…and I know this in my heart, but my heart still hurts that I acted that way.  I am so ashamed. I was not acting like the child of The One True King. I do not deserve His forgiveness, but still He forgives.

It hurts, because when I asked my farmer man to forgive me, he said, “It is ok” and hugged me. He said we will get through this. WE.

It is not ok. It is not ok how I acted, it is not ok that I said such hateful words, it is not ok that you are willing to hug this terrible person who was so hateful to you just a short time before. It is not ok. I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but he freely gives it anyway.

I don’t EVER want the stress of this life to be an excuse for me to EVER act that way again….EVER.

I don’t know what stress you are under or what your circumstances are, but I felt lead to share this today.  We are not supposed to do this life alone. God wants us to come to Him with our stress and concerns BEFORE it becomes a huge issue. He wants us to talk with him daily about everything. The good, the bad and especially the ugly. He wants us to trust that He is in control and He has our best interest at heart.

I have not been talking (praying) with My Father on a regular basis. I have not been refueling my soul with worship (attending church or reading His word). I have not been reminding my heart of all I have to be grateful for (listing my blessings). I have not been speaking in love (sharing His love). I have not been doing what I know is right, what I know I need and it shows. That all stops today.

I know what, who, I need. The Father who knows our needs before we do. The Father who loves us more than anyone on this earth. I need to talk with Him daily. I need to refill my soul. I need to be thankful daily for the, oh so, many blessings I have been given. I need to share that love.

Today is a new day and the Lord gives us new mercies every day…even when we are the most unloving, hateful, ungrateful kid. Our Father still loves us and still wants us to come to Him. How awesome is that?

I am so blessed with a loving, patient husband. Sometimes we take those who love us most for granted…I think I have been. Not anymore. I realized just how blessed I am this week. I have a husband who still loves me…. hateful, sinful, hurtful, impatient, premenopausal, and emotional messy me. A husband who is willing to forgive, without hesitation, and is willing to “Do whatever we need to……We are in this together.” Besides God, my husband is the most important man in my life…..and I intend to make sure he knows that every day.

I pray that if you are struggling with any part of your own “Perfect Storm” that somehow my sharing this messy, ugly part of my life will encourage you. You are NOT alone. We all struggle with stress, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. We have a Heavenly Father who wants to help us. Who wants us to know that we aren’t supposed to do this life alone. Reach out to Him. Reach out to a friend you can talk with. Reach out to a counselor, therapist or pastor and talk with them. There is help for each of us, but we have to be willing to take that, sometimes scary, step to get the help we need.

P.S. I asked my farmer man to read this before I posted. It is personal, honest and ugly, but it is me.  This is his beautiful response I found waiting on the computer when I returned from church.....

"Nicely written….I love you sexy, no matter what  <3" 

And THIS is why I feel so bad for my terrible attitude and actions. This is him, his heart, and how he loves and supports me. He's definitely a keeper. <3